I'm really discouraged. Life seems to have gone from annoyingly inconvenient to extremely hard. As you know, my car is broken and the buyers backed out. I'm also almost flat broke and rent is due. I've also just discovered that in order for my visa status to change I need to have $3,000 in my bank account or I have to have a Korean to sponsor me. I'll be able to get a sponsor, probably, but it will take time.

For some reason, I've started to be angry at God. I know I shouldn't, I know I should trust him confidently and gracefully, but still.... I feel like my life is exploding; everything bad is happening all at once. And so I come to God with questions, the main one being Why? Why all at the same time? Why now? And of course, why is followed by Where are you? and Will you really provide for me? The problem seems too big, the amount of money I need each month too large.

To make things worse, my head is full of accusations. It's the great and elusive Them who shout "You've been irresponsible! You need to look out for yourself. We knew this was a bad idea but you foolishly trusted in something you couldn't see. There's a reality out there that people who don't work don't eat. Faith is not real! God can't provide for you. How could you have been so naive?"

I wage war against these accusations but the battle is tiring and emotionally draining. In my weakness I whisper again, God, where are you? Will you really save me?