I am in Korea finally. It's so weird to be back. I've been hanging around Handong, around the high school, seeing so many people I know and have missed. But it's still so weird. Before when I was here I was part of things, the bustle going on was a part of my life. Now I seem to be an observer, watching the buzz from the outside. I feel like I should be working at school and in some ways I really wish I was. Teaching was so much more clear than what I am doing now. My life feels so ambiguous, I feel like I'm chasing smoke, nothing is certain.

I look on at all these people who have the advantage certainty and I envy them. They look at me in awe and say that I'm so adventurous, so bold. All I can do is laugh cynically. Now more than ever I wish I could just walk away. It's too hard, I'm not good at this.

God does not call people to do easy things. He calls them to things greater than themselves so that only God can take the credit. I know all the answers, I know all the right words to tell myself, I know what I should be thing and what I should faithfully believe. I know. But I don't feel it.