I wrote this blog on Wednesday but for some reason blogger wouldn't publish it.

Yesterday was a hard day but I'm happy to say that I am doing better. I knew coming back to Pohang would be hard on me but I really could not anticipate what I would go through. After spending time with God I realized that I was struggling with following his will. Last May, I was confused when I felt God calling me to work with the prostitutes. I was not a social issues person, I was not extremely driven and I was never, ever interested in working with prostitutes. I categorized myself as a follower, not a leader. It did not make sense that God would use a person like me to create a ministry like this.

Yesterday, I felt my life slipping out of my hands, I felt my will, my desires, what I wanted in life being taken away. It's one thing to say, God I cast my life at your feet, it's another to actually feel him begin to pour your life out. Carrying the cross of Christ means embracing suffering, hardship and difficulty. The result of following God is not what matters, it's the process that's important. What matters is how I handle what comes my way.

Before yesterday, I had begun to hear about other people who had worked with prostitutes. The work was hard, they said, and often unrewarding. The women would come to the Christian centers to escape their abusive boyfriends or to get food and a bed. Soon they would escape back to their dark life only to return when things got rough again. The Christian workers were often discouraged and disappointed.

How would I be any different from them? How would my ministry be any more affective than theirs? How would I be less discouraged then they? I suddenly saw my life dripping with hardship and discouragement. I asked myself if I would, in light of that very possible future, still be willing to follow God?

And I saw myself like water, poured out by God on dry land. The land may turn green and flourish or it may remain a thirsty desert, the life that was pour out producing nothing. What ever the case, what matters is how I live my life before God.