Surf's Up!

My room is a complete disaster. I'm packing for three months AND moving out of my room at the same time. Those two things should never happen simultaneously. I believe that this chaos will eventually turn to order... I believe... I believe....

While I was sorting through my stuff this afternoon I was suddenly gripped by the realization that I'm leaving my home, friends and city and gallivanting around Thailand, leading a group of eleven students for THREE MONTHS. THREE MONTHS!!!

That's a long time to be day-in and day-out leading a team in a foreign country. I was suddenly overwhelmed by all the things that could go wrong, which resulted in me having a strong desire to empty out my suitcase, sit on it and tell my co-leader I'm not going.

How am I going to handle all that responsibility? I'll be in charge of making sure these students are fed, kept busy, have a place to stay, and don't get lost in foreign cities. I'll have to help them navigate three international airports, busy foreign bus stations and possibly train stations too. I'll cram them into taxis, bicker with the driver for a fair price and hope they get there in time.

If things go well, it will be a miracle.

And I'm expecting a miracle. I'm pretty, stink'n confident that we'll come back just fine, with great God stories, bellies full of delicious Thai food and be happy as clams that the three months went so well.

But I'm still scared.

It's like surfing. I'm a complete beginner; wobbly on the board and prone to getting dumped more often than catching waves. Surfing thrills me just a little bit more than it terrifies me, which is why I keep going back to it.

There's nothing quite as terrifying as being on the water, paddling out to sea and watching a huge wave come in. I do a quick mental calculation and determine that yes, I am about to die-- the massive curling wave is perfectly positioned to land on my head.

What follows is a frantic paddle session to avoid being in the crash zone. I see it cresting but I'm still in the wrong place. It's terrifying. Fear grips me as the wave towers over my head and I'm pretty sure I scream involuntarily. I get ripped off my board, thrashed under the wave, twisting and turning, head-over-heels-over-sideways and under. Many disorienting seconds later I pop up to see another death wave headed for me.

I suddenly resent the fact that they travel in sets. More thrashing, more tossing. But I survive. I'M ALIVE! Getting tossed around isn't my idea of fun, but I'm certainly enjoy the fact that I lived through it.

And after all that pounding, there's always, eventually that sweet wave, the one I'm perfectly positioned for and I'm able to catch. For a moment, as my board cuts through the water, I've harnessed nature, captured its rolling energy, letting it propel me over the water. It's glorious. Thrilling. As terrified as I was before I'm now giddy with excitement.

Yup, surfing is terrifying. Legitimately scary. But I do it because I know there are epic moments to be experienced that I really don't want to miss out on.

It's the same with this trip to Thailand. Right now, I'm looking up at the cresting wave that's headed straight for my head and my stomach is dropping. I know I'm going to get tossed, thrashed and pounded by culture shock, by leading a team, by trying to remember what eleven people need.

I know I'm being handed a lot of responsibility and I'm not sure how I'm going to walk it out. Will I be a stressed-out leader? What happens when I have a bad day or am so tired I don't want to go shopping for dinner much less talk about how so-and-so is offended by such-in-such because she said this and he said that.

But at the same time I know it's worth it. There are going to be epic, thrilling, glorious times that will make me so excited I wont be able to contain myself. I know God will move in amazing ways and I can't wait to witness it.

It's going to be epic.
Surfs up.
Now grab your board and go face your fear!

"God, if you're real, I need to hear from you."

There are so many reasons I'm thankful right now. 

So many. I don't know where to start.... Maybe I'll start by explaining last year.

2012 was hard. HARD. HARD.  HARD.

I didn't like it. Not one bit. There were good moments in there, of course, but the overall flavor was one of despair. I reached the end of my rope in November, 2011 when I left the Women and Children's Advocacy Centre in Portland. But what do you do when you go beyond the end of your rope? Who knew there was such a thing?

In 2012 I took a break, a sabbatical from missions. I had been working with YWAM for six years straight and needed to take time for myself. It was long overdue. I was burnt out. I was completely out of passion and drive. I was empty and didn't care if I burned a million bridges. I couldn't communicate with people because I had nothing to say. I was a shell. All I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand and have all the evils of the world, all the human trafficking and slavery, all the abuse and manipulation, all the pimps and prostitutes, all the justice initiatives, speaking engagements, and all my well meaning friends to just go away and leave me alone.

Spiritually, I was sick. Diseased. My faith was less than a speck of sand on the seashore. The goodness of God was hidden from me and I was left with all the pain and suffering I had exposed myself to for eight years. My belief in God had drained away and I was becoming an empty, cynical, hardened, sad shell of who I once was.

My spiritual sickness had started creeping up on me years before, back in 2009, but I pushed it away. The more I denied it and ignored it the more it grew.... slowly, slowly. In November, 2011 it overwhelmed me. I couldn't run from it. It was ever-present, like the air I breathed. To deny the existence of my sickness was to live a lie.... and I lived that lie for a while, trying to convince myself I was fine. But it got tiring. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Depressing. I needed to be honest with where I was and who I had become. Running from it wouldn't solve it. I had to engage my disbelief and hope that God would bring me out the other side.

So I stopped living a lie and I let the world know I was sick through my actions and choices. I pulled back from teaching, I stopped writing emails about how good God was because I didn't believe it any more. But I couldn't sit around and do nothing while I tried to figure out how to become healthy again. I did a film school in April 2012 because I knew that despite everything, God was pointing me to gain skills in media (Thank you, everyone, who supported me and prayed for me during that school!).

Film school brought me to an all-time low... not because of the school, but because I had reached the rock-bottom in my spiritual sickness. My downward spiral brought me to contemplate the final question, the ultimate question that would determine the future of my faith:

Was God real. Yes or no.

Everything in me screamed that God was a fraud, that I had been tricked and fed a lie, that the foundation of my life was nothing more than a made-up fairytale. But I didn't want to believe it. I was staring at the dark abyss knowing that life without God was a dark, hopeless place. But if he didn't exist then he didn't exist. No amount of hoping and wishing could change the truth.

But I didn't want God to be a fake. I wanted him to be real. I wanted the truth to be that he did love me and care about me and send his son to die for me on the cross. I wanted to have a Heavenly Father that knew me better than I knew myself, that had a plan for me, a destiny.

But no amount of hoping and wishing can change the truth. As a last desperate act, I prayed a simple prayer. "God if you're real, I need hear from you. My only other choice is to walk off into the dark abyss and come to grips with the fact that you don't exist."

Surprisingly, I heard a distant answer, like the dinging of a far-off bell. It was a hint of something I used to know, responding to me. There were no words, no philosophical discussion, there simply was a response. And it surprised me. I had expected complete emptiness, like talking to a rock or trying to have a conversation with a star. A star or a rock would never respond, no matter how many questions I asked. But God, who I was coming to grips with as a fake, as a non entity... he responded.

And that alighted a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart.What if God was real? What if he existed?

That hope was all I needed. My progress out of deep despair didn't happen overnight. I worked at it. If God was really God, then I wanted to know him again. I changed my lifestyle and re-prioritized things. I decided to go to church every Sunday and spend time seeking God in my personal life. I would choose to hang around friends that built my faith instead of friends who overwhelmed me with cynicism. I would believe the best instead of the worst.

And most importantly, I would believe that God was who he said he was and that I was who he said I was. Belief is a choice. Faith is a choice. But sometimes you need God's help to have the strength to choose to believe and have faith.

God met me in my choices and he strengthened my belief and faith. He slowly rebuilt me and healed my spiritual sickness. He tended to my wounds with care and gentleness. There was no condemnation about how far I had wandered, there was only rejoicing that I had come back. Lots of rejoicing. Months later, when my spiritual ears became more attuned to him I heard him laughing and laughing, rejoicing that I had come home. There was victory in his laughter, too. I had come through a test. I had been victorious and he joined me in that victory. His joy and delight was infectious.

Part of my healing has been staffing this Discipleship Training School which started in January, 2013. I had spent a long time being miserable and self focused and needed to stop navel gazing and invest into the lives of other people. It's been great. It's not over yet. I'm headed off to Thailand for three months, leading a group of eleven students on a mission trip.

Which leads me into all the reasons I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for God, that he's real and exists and loves me and sent his son to die on the cross for me.

So thankful that he laughs and rejoices over me! And that I can laugh with him. He has restored joy to my heart.

Thankful for the DTS, all my students and all my fellow staff who have been part of my recovery program.

I'm so glad that I've learned some valuable lessons about myself over the last few years. I love working with people, I love being invested in people's lives and helping them discover more about who God is and who they are. Students.... I love 'em!

So excited that God is victorious over darkness and that evil will not win, no matter what.

I love what I'm doing right now. I love my friends. I love my family. I love where I live. I love the lessons I've learned.

 I love coming out of hard seasons and realizing God was there all along. He never left me. He never abandoned me.

So that's the journey. That's how it's been. 2012 was so hard but necessary. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when the going got really, really rough. Thank you for your prayers... they carried me through.

And Thank You Jesus :)

Interview on Human Trafficking

I was interviewed by the last Voice for the Voiceless DTS about human trafficking. It had been a while since I'd been in front of the camera so I was nervous... three cameras! But I did my best :)

Voice for the Voiceless: Ro Potter - Human Trafficking from Voice for the Voiceless on Vimeo.

Welcome, New Year

The holidays have been fantastic, full of adventure of all sorts. My parents and youngest brother visited me in Hawaii for Christmas and I toured them all around the island. For the first time in forever I finally have a house that's big enough to have people stay with me. Seriously. I've never been able to have people visit me and actually have room to put them up. Friends/family are usually forced to spend uncomfortable nights sleeping on couches or the floor.

I loved showing off the island to my family and having them see my life ("and here's the beach I go to, and here's the mountain I climb, and here's the Walmart I shop at, and here's the church I go to"). I hope they enjoyed themselves... I know I certainly did!

My parents left Christmas day but my brother stayed on for the week after. We flew over to Honolulu (which I've never been to!) and watched 2013 arrive with a sky full of fireworks shot off a boat beyond the Waikiki beach. I felt my three most-recent cultures collide on the streets of Waikiki: Hawaiian (which is definitely a culture of its own), Japanese and American. I've NEVER seen so many Japanese in one place outside of Japan! And then to mix in the Hawaiian culture overlaid by a thick spread of America was really crazy. I was fascinated.

I was also fascinated by all the tall buildings and pretty lights. The Big Island is just so... remote. The biggest city here is Hilo with the grand population of 40,000. Walking around the streets of Waikiki reminded me of Vegas. I must have looked like a complete hick wandering the streets, mouth agape, staring and pointing at all the cool shops and hotels. It was super fun.

And now on to 2013!! But I do wish I had time to write an ode to 2012 and reminisce about the year. So many good things happened that I don't want to forget about, and hard things too, but that will have to be another blog for another time.

Starting yesterday, I am now official staff for a YWAM Discipleship Training School called Voice for the Voiceless. I decided to sign on as staff for a couple of reasons. First, after a year of taking a sabbatical, reflecting on life and doing some school, I wanted to take what I've learned and actively pour into other people's lives. The timing didn't seem right to go out there and launch an entirely new project (I always have project ideas spinning around in my head). The framework that this DTS provides was attractive for where I'm at right now.

Second, the Voice for the Voiceless DTS (fondly referred to as The V for V) is not your typical DTS. It involves training people to use media tools such as photography, video and writing to bring awareness and action on injustices around the world. Sounds right up my ally and a great way to use my film training, love of photography, passion for justice and desire to get others involved in bringing justice. Super cool.

I'm going to finish by posting a video the V for V people made last year. It's prettier than reading words typed on a page and does a pretty good job of explaining things.

Happy 2013 everyone!

Momentarily Un-trapped

I was on a plane yesterday for the first time in eight months. Yes. EIGHT MONTHS. Unbelievable that it's been that long. The last time I went so long without stepping foot on a plane was probably the year 1997.

Of course, my travels have been helped along by the fact that for a while there, I lived in Korea and frequently traveled to Japan to visit my parents. It also helped that I have a brother and an uncle who are commercial pilots so I could travel standby for virtually nothing. And, later on, it helped that I had to travel to Europe and around the world to raise awareness about human trafficking

Which makes me reflect on exactly WHY I haven't traveled for eight months...

- Hawaii is expensive to travel in and out of. The daunting price of a plane ticket makes me seriously think before pressing that "book it" button.

- I spent four out of the last eight months in an intensive film school program that had me going about 28 hours a day (yes, that's right. 28 hours. Those four extra hours were leeched from the time I usually spend dreaming. Time is always different when you dream... just look at the movie Inception).

- I've been in God's burn-out recovery program from eight years of working on the issue of human trafficking. This isn't an "official" program or anything, but it is valid and it's definitely working. One of the things I've needed to do is stop blasting around the world so fast, slow down and really process/deal with the last eight years. The Big Island of Hawaii is perfect for that since it's naturally isolated and there's not a whole lot of distraction available.

- I'm not a fan of cold weather and thinking about dealing with temperatures below 70 degrees intimidates me into staying on the island (not a good excuse, but true).

- I got a side-job at a Japanese tour company to help cover the bills. Having a side-job makes traveling complicated.

With all these reasons NOT to travel, why did I take the plunge and book a ticket? Mostly, it was a practical decision that involved desperately needing to touch base with my supporters and supporting churches in the northwest. That the true motivation.

The emotional motivating factors on the other hand, are much less practical. I wanted to see my friends in the northwest and I NEEDED OFF THE ISLAND. As an explorer at heart being trapped on a "big" island that boasts of only 4,028 square miles surrounded by 2500 miles of ocean in all directions makes me feel... squeezed.

I've daydreamed about rugged mountain peaks, sweeping landscapes, the bustle and confusion of large cities. I've wanted to know that I could to drive my car on a freeway for hours on end without ending up in the same place I started. I'm not ashamed to say that I've battled waves of claustrophobia over the last eight months. Yes, Island Fever does exist.

But I end up feeling the same way when I'm trapped in a big city with no escape, or in a tiny, isolated  town--which usually happens overseas where travel is expensive, or limited because of road conditions. In general, there's a running mantra in the back of my brain that kicks in after four weeks of being anywhere. It says "Get out. Get out. Get out!!" and is usually silenced by a hike in the wilderness or a jaunt into a big city... whatever is opposite of where I'm living.

So the last eight months have been a good exercise in self control to not let that mantra make decisions for me. I've had to fight it down in waves and focus on the bigger picture. Yeah, I know. Living in Hawaii isn't that hard but dealing with your own crap is, no matter where you are.

An Ode to My Japanese Tour Guiding Job

Today is officially my last day of work at Robert's Hawaii. In reality I haven't been working for the past week and a half because I got really sick a few days after I turned in my two weeks notice and had to take a week off of work. When I recovered and called them up they had stopped scheduling me.

So little did I know when I worked the Monday before last that it would actually be my last.

In their honor, I wanted to write and Ode to my last two months of working there.
Here it goes:

Oh Roberts Hawaii with your green Hawaiian print polyester shirts,

I shall sort of miss thee so.

I'll miss my dear co-workers who were ever a source of entertainment.

Granted, some of it I could have done without

Like being stuck on a ten hour tour with the most boring tour guide trainer EVER.
He mumbled to himself constantly.
He repeated himself three, four, ten times over

He sung a terribly boring song to the tourists that had a million verses.

And he had a horrible voice.

And there was nowhere I could run and hide. 

TRAPPED!!!
Oh what a memory.

Or like the other guy who trained me
and *shouted* "YEE HAW!" on the microphone constantly for said ten hours.

Yes, there were moments of pure torture like I could not have imagined.

But there were nuggets of gold too.

Like when co-workers were so encouraging, sane and happy to see me every day;

who in true Hawaiian fashion kissed my cheek and told me I was beautiful.

And co-workers who really, truly became my friends. 

I shall miss them.

And there were the various Japanese tourists I spent days with;

who warmed up to my "American face" and decided I was their new best friend.

I'm featured in more than a few scrap books;

A sort of fame I wasn't expecting.

Pictures of me in a horrible green Hawaiian print polyester shirt.

Lovely.

There were funny moments too,

Like when a Japanese tourist discovered I was in training
He became MY tour guide

and informed me incessantly on ALL the Hawaiian plants for the rest of the looong day.

Or like when another tourist decided to build a fire on top of a 14,000 ft mountain. 

Sadly it was an ill-fated endeavor. 

I shall not miss the airport though... that one place I was doomed to work so much.

I greeted the Japanese tourists as they arrived and I held their hand as they departed.

I pulled hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of bags off the luggage carrousel 

and pushed them around on a cart.

Polyester shirt.

Black jeans.

Tennis shoes.

Hawaii.

Kona International Airport presents a Fully Non-AC, Outdoor, Third World Style, Quaint Airport!!

(Crowd applauds halfheartedly, confused).

So much sweating.

So wet.

So, so hot.

Not even a breeze to cool me off.

I shall not miss that.

Or having forty-five minutes or an hour or three hours until the next flight came in
and wondering what to do with myself.

Being paid to do nothing, is still doing nothing.

I realized I was wasting my life and my potential on a mindless job.

My only motivation was those bits of paper and metal called money.

I was a slave to my paycheck.

Unlike my co-workers (some who couldn't even read) I had opportunity.

I had the ability and experience to help make the world a better place.

I had the luxury to dream and pursue my dreams.

I was so blessed. 

So blessed.

And I was whittling it away;
sweating at an airport.

And so, dear Roberts Hawaii, I must take my leave. 

You have been an experience I will never forget.

I learned, again, what hard work looks like.

I found jewels at work in your ranks.

You made me remember who I am

And who God is

And helped me remember my dreams.

Thank you.

Slavery, Obedience and Fear

I've been re-reading one of my favorite and inspiring auto-biographies, Jackie Pullinger's Chasing the Dragon. It's so good but soooo challenging. As a young woman Jackie hopped on a boat bound for Hong Kong with nothing more than confidence in God that he was telling her to "go." He didn't tell her much more than that.

She ended up working in the lawless, drug infested Walled City for years, helping gangsters find Christ. Her faith is truly incredible and such a testimony. God can do so much with something called Obedience.

Sometimes I think I mix up the word "obedience" with "slavery," as in I get the impression that I'm supposed to blindly follow God like a drone in a beehive. Have you heard people say, "More of you God, less of me!" like for some reason who I am is bad and supposed to be completely sloughed off like snake skin?

I'm pretty sure God delighted in me when he made me or why would he have made me the way I am? If I'm supposed to be a slave, why would he have created my mind? Why give us free will? Why be in a relationship with him at all? Sure, there are sinful parts of me that definitely need to be given over to him--I am not perfect, I am not holy and yes, I do need more of God in my life. But God delights in the uniqueness of who I am, like a parent delights in their child.

Slavery isn't a choice and that's how it's different from obedience. I shouldn't follow God blindly, feeling forced and subtly resenting the things he's making me do because I'm his slave. I should instead follow him with eyes wide open, engaging my body, soul and mind in what he's asking of me. I choose to follow him. I choose him and his ways with the fullness of who I am so I can get to know the fullness of who he is.

I think blind faith can be quite dangerous. In order to be blind in your faith you have to close your eyes to a whole lot of other things too, like the fact that you'll face resistance and trials in whatever God is calling you to. Like God, for the greater good, may send you through long years of suffering--he may even allow you to die! Or like fact that God wants you to engage your brain and work together with him to solve the problems that may come up.

And often blind faith is blind to fear. Fear is viewed as a negative thing that keeps people from having faith... and while this is probably true, blindly ignoring your fear is just as detrimental.

Usually, whatever we run from is the very thing that has the most control over us. If I keep refusing to think about my fear then I'm not doing a good job of fighting it. I'm in denial. I'm pretending. And eventually, that fear will sneak in a side door and slowly eat me up. I'll start having panicky dreams, I'll struggle with anxiety, I'll try to cling to God more and tell myself my faith just isn't strong enough. I'll judge myself for not being very "Christian" and try to make up for it by doing more good stuff for God.

Instead, have eyes-wide-open faith. Acknowledge the fear and allow yourself peer into its depths. Unravel it, poke it, be honest about it. And then give it to God. Bring God in. Turn it over to him. Allow him to be in that mess of fear with you. Ask him for courage to overcome it and engage the strengths and gifts he's given you to stand against it. Having fear isn't a sin. It's not a bad thing to be afraid. It's what you do in response to it that's important.

And eyes-wide-open faith knows that there is a choice involved in following him, and you've chosen it.

I know I'm sounding a little preachy in this post but it's because I'm preaching to myself. I have got to remember this stuff.

I Hate Colds

I've been sick this week and it hasn't been fun. I know it's November and definitely the cold and flu season but I'm still living in Hawaii's near-perfect climate and having a severe winter cold is completely out of place. Drippy nose while walking on a white sandy beach? Drinking tea for congestion while having to turn on the fan at full blast so I don't overheat?

Not to mention that cold medicine has afforded me the peace and calm to be okay with sitting on my bed and looking at the wall for hours.

This is not normal.

On the bright side, I was asked to be a mock victim for a remote medical clinic training thing yesterday and hardly had to act at all! But the unfortunate thing was that after the training was over my "pretend" symptoms didn't go away. And the drugs they were prescribing took the form of jellybeans and hot tamales.

On a different and yet somewhat related note, I'm quitting my side-job of Japanese tour guiding (yay!). Part of my job was working at the airport meeting and assisting Japanese tourists who were arriving and leaving the island. I was a glorified babysitter and baggage handler. Sometimes I was handling up to thirty bags a flight! Touching all those bags coming from germ infested Japan... no wonder I got sick. They have really contagious bad cold there... something about being crammed on trains with thirty million people.

So I blame the Japanese for my sickness. No, it's not may fault for forgetting my hand sanitizer at home. And no it's not my fault my immune system seems to be shot in general (third sickness in three months). It's those darn Japanese tourists and their bags.

Okay fine. Maybe it's a little bit my fault.
Ugh.

Killing Lies and Believing the Truth

It's cool when God decides to remind you of the impact you've had on people's lives. The last two years or so I've drifted into cynicism about the effectiveness of the ministry I'd been doing since 2004. Raising awareness didn't seem to be directly impacting the women, men and children who were being bought and sold as slaves throughout the world. It was disheartening not to see results and I eventually came to the conclusion that it was all a waste of effort. Years down the drain.

That, of course, is not true. Not at all. But the lie being whispered in my ear seemed to have so much evidence with it.

Over the last month a spiritual reorganization of my heart has slowly been taking place. Up until that point I had been frantically asking God what I should do with my life. That, as it turns out, was the wrong question. My foundational understanding of who God was had faltered and I had been wallowing in a perpetual river of cynicism and unbelief. The question I needed to ask and believe was about his character and nature: God who are you? I needed to clear up my foundational beliefs about him. And that led directly into the next question: God who do you say I am?

As I've been getting to know God again, and choosing to believe what he says about himself and who he says I am, God has been gently reminding me of the impact I've had on people's lives. He didn't have to show me, but I get the feeling that he really wanted to. And as I see my impact I've started to recognize the shape the lie took.

The lie is an insidious little thing, almost harmless looking on the outside, made up of little doubts and questions. The fire of the lie was slowly stoked until it became a raging furnace, incapacitating me in its resentment and bitterness. The message of the lie rattled around in my head... You destroy everything you put your hands to. You've wasted your life. You can't change the world. You've been a fool and you've led others into that foolishness.

Lies! I refuse to believe that any longer! With God's help I have made an impact, people's lives have been changed and they've gone out and recused people from human trafficking. And here's some proof.

In 2008 I spoke at a women's conference outside Bratislava, Slovakia. A German woman named Gabi Wentland attended my seminar and was outraged by the prevalence of trafficking in Europe and by the lack of action on the issue. We chatted about what she could do and she was inspired to tackle the problem. I held that conversation loosely, not banking on her to actually follow through--so many people don't.

Just last week, four years after our initial conversation, I met Gabi again. She was in Kona speaking in a DTS and told me about what had transpired after she left that conference. A fire had truly been lit in her heart and she spent the next year visiting shelters for victims of human trafficking. She delved into the issue and learned as much as she possibly could. She spoke with government officials about their lack of interest and action. And then she opened her own shelter for trafficking victims in her hometown of Hamburg.

Her shelter has been a great success and has provided protection and restoration for scores of prostitutes in Germany who have sought a way out from their human trafficking nightmare. Many of these women are from Eastern Europe. Gabi has raised money to employ professional counselors, lawyers, teachers and social workers to help meet the needs of the victims. Her shelter, called Mission Freedom is one of the most successful human trafficking shelters in Germany. She is also working to influence the German government to change their stance on legalized prostitution, drawing the distinct connection between prostitution and human trafficking.

Four years ago I was a catalyst for Gabi. She calls me her "teacher" and openly talks about how I inspired her. I tell her the teacher has become the taught; she is such an inspiration and an encouragement to me. She is evidence that I haven't wasted my life, that I have made a difference, that I have changed the world. I have vicariously helped the world become a better place for those women in Germany.

I feel so blessed to be able to see that evidence. God didn't have show me. When he calls us to things he's not necessarily promising that we will see the fruits of our labor (just look at Isaiah! God called him to speak to a people who would not hear). God's taken on those lies I believed and presented a counter argument, one that can't be denied.

How cool is that!

Update

Yes, an update is definitely overdue. This has been an interesting season for me to say the least. I'm confident God is up to something, but at the same time the way forward has been hazy. I've been reluctant to communicate much because I don't want to seem inconsistent, changing my mind about what I'm doing every two weeks. I can't help but feel pressure to have my life all figured out, to know exactly where I'm headed and what I'm doing.

So the film school at YWAM was a really good experience. It definitely gave me practical tools that will help me in whatever I do in the future. I now have much more knowledge and skill about how to produce and shoot interviews, documentaries, news type stories and even feature films if I ever wanted to do that. I have no doubt that God will use this film skill in the future. 

But, the actual day to day life in the film school and internship was a hard and rather discouraging personal experience. I can't really go into it more than that. I learned a lot and but it was hard. Feel free to read between the lines.

Once the school and internship was over in September I was happy to move on, grateful for what I learned. The question of "What Next?" had always been on my mind. I bounced around ideas. Stay involved with anti-trafficking? Leave missions and get a "real" job? Go back to school and become a teacher? 

My most recent thought, one that I'm praying about and seeking God in, is to create a YWAM school that addresses the need for post-awareness training in justice issues. Over the past eight years, a lot has been done to raise awareness about human trafficking (which is great and needed), but people need to be really equipped in how to *do* something about it. I'm thinking I'd like to tackle that need in a context where we could really dig in to it... instead of in just a 15 minute segment of an hour long teaching session. I find that sort of training--a real practical equipping--to be lacking in YWAM. 

A lot of 20 year old's are sent out onto the field knowing about trafficking (they've attended the energetic conferences and had speakers hype them up) but suddenly, they're in over their heads and they don't know how to respond. A YWAM school format would give me three months with the students to look into all sorts of things: how to conduct a community assessments, how to figure out which government officials to talk to, how to conduct an inconspicuous investigation, how to start a safe home, how to network with other NGO's, etc. 

And we'd go and do it, not just talk about it. I'm still in the very, very embryonic stages of thinking through this idea. I've been out of the whole justice arena for a bit; a much needed break. I'll have to do a lot of research and catching up and probably some traveling to scout out locations-- I'm thinking I would like the three-month school to be in a different region of the world each month, since trafficking issues are so different depending on where you are. I also really need to see if something like this is being done in YWAM (why reinvent the wheel, right?) and if there are people I could partner with to do this. 

I've never ran a YWAM school and I'm a little intimidated by all their regulations and red tape, so I'd need to learn about that as well. And I'm still asking questions like, is a YWAM school format really the best place for this kind of training? Should I do long seminar instead? Should I take it outside of YWAM and offer it to churches? Am I equipped myself to do this sort of training? So many questions.... 

 In the mean time, I'll be staying in Hawaii for now since I really don't have any other place to go. And being close to YWAM's biggest base is great for digging into my idea, asking questions, networking and finding people to partner with. 

Unfortunately, during this transitional time, my support has really suffered. About two months ago I found myself on the verge of plunging into debt; my monthly costs were about $500 more than I was receiving. I'm definitely not a fan of debt, so I went out and looked for a job to help make ends meet. 

A few weeks ago I got hired on part-time with a tour company that has A LOT of Japanese customers. It's not a glorious job by any means, but I do get to speak Japanese on a regular basis! And it's helping out some with the bills. I'm hoping that once I get a clearer sense of this school idea, I'll be able to go out and raise more support to free me up. 

So my daily life consists of praying about my future, scheming about this school idea and working to help with the bills. I could so use prayers during this time! A lot is open to me and I really want to make sure I'm sensitive to God and not just launching out on my own. I could really use wisdom and prayer that God would direct me to the right people and places. 

Also prayer for my finances as well... it has been a big stress, as I'm sure you can imagine. Also would you pray for safety? I ride a scooter to and from work and around town. It's definitely not the safest way to go, there are a lot of scooter accidents in this town, but it's the only mode of transportation I can afford. My work is about 25 minutes away from home, on a busy, busy road so there are a lot of opportunities for accidents.