Context

I realize that my last two posts have been all about my heath issues. I guess that's understandable because that's the new Big Thing in my life. But there is more to my life and I think it's worth writing about because some of it is, well... different.

The first thing that's different about my life is that I live in the state where many Americans and the entire country of Japan go for vacation. Yes, I live in Hawaii. As cool as it is to live in a vacation destination it also causes all kinds of complications.

Those complications usually revolve around the whole "The Life People Think I Live" and "The Life I Actually Live."

For instance, most people think I have a grand life that consists entirely of white sandy beaches, chilled coconut drinks, breathtaking sunsets, exotic scenery and all the Hawaiian shirts I could ask for. I have to admit... those last three things are true, but there is another side to the story.

More often than not, I find my life on the Big Island reminding me more of living in a third world country than living in an Exotic Paradise. I've decided to compile my list of Paradise Woes to shine some light on the issue (and no, I don't expect to elicit much sympathy. But remember this; there's a reason why the vacationers go home).

Woe #1: Bugs.
Cockroaches, ants, centipedes, MASSIVE SPIDERS, and geckos. If all those creepy crawlies stayed outside where they belong it wouldn't be as big of a problem, but they don't.

More than once, I've opened a drawer in my kitchen or in my bathroom and discovered a huge cockroach looking at me. Since there's no good way to kill a cockroach in a drawer I do the next best thing. I slam the drawer closed, count to ten, open and the cockroach is gone! Problem is solved.

And don't even get me started on centipedes. They're evil. About a year ago I got bit/stung by one and it was one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. The unfortunate sequence of events that came after was possibly more traumatic that the bite itself.

Here's how it went down:

First, I got bit on my ankle and it really REALLY hurt. 

Second, a week later it got infected and felt like I was stepping on broken glass every time I walked. 

Third, I discovered I was allergic to the antibiotics I was prescribed to cure my infection. Cue hives, swollen lips and still-infected foot. 

Fourth, after getting on the right antibiotics and being told specifically to stay out of the sun, I forgot and ended up in the sun because the sun is everywhere and kind of hard to avoid. I got a large, angry rash over every part of me that was exposed to sunlight. Oh Joy.

Fifth, I got some intestinal something because my gut was sick of all the antibiotics I was taking and was punishing me. 

And I haven't even got to spiders. Cane Spiders. Look them up. Now imagine one in your car. AT NIGHT.

Woe #2: Third world living.
I take cold showers more often than I'd like not because I want to, but because I have to. And no, the warm weather doesn't make up for it because, where I live, the mornings and evenings can be cool.

The hot water in my house comes from a few solar panels on the roof, which is fine most of the time, except for the part that there's no hot water when it's cloudy and cold.... and that is, of course, exactly when you'd really like to have a hot shower.

Also, there's a pig living in my backyard. My downstairs neighbor is a pig hunter, hired to kill the wild boars that terrorize local golf courses. Recently, he "took care" of a big mama pig who had four little piggies. He thought his two young boys would find a baby pig interesting.... so now we have a pet wild pig. I'm pretty sure he's destined to be dinner one day.

Woe #3: The traffic.
Imagine a town where everyone in their shiny rental cars are rubbernecking everything. Add in a gazillion Japanese tourists driving around who are use to driving on the left side of the road and it's awesome. It's like living in Yellowstone National Park in August.

In reality, I have nothing to complain about. The traffic here isn't that bad, but I live in a small town and it still irks me that there's traffic at all. I can't tell you how happy I am that I don't live in Honolulu.

Honolulu has the worst traffic in the entire United States. Drivers waist an average of 58 hours a year sitting in traffic.

I'm not even kidding. Look it up. That's definitely not my idea of living in paradise.

Woe #4: Limited shopping.
Everyone wears and eats the same stuff, bought from the same stores. The options are WalMart, Target, Costco, Ross, a tiny Macy's and K-Mart. That's basically it. For everything.

The natural implication of this is that you can pick out the locals by what they're wearing, because you have that same shirt... and those same pants and slippers. And that cooler they're hauling to the beach, you have that too.

Woe #5: What goes north eventually goes north again.
I live on a CIRCLE. I leave my town going north, ocean on my left, and eventually come back into town... with the ocean still on my left.

What?!!

Consciously, I know what's going on. I live on a small island surrounded by water. Duh. But my unconscious brain refuses to accept this as fact and short-circuits every time I traverse the circle. It regards this phenomenon similarly to quantum physics and just blows up.

Leaving going north CANNOT = arriving from the south

IMPOSSIBLE. 

Explodes. 

Other than exploding my brain all the time, living on this particular circle isn't all that bad. Sure, the list of outdoor adventures is finite, but this circle boasts eleven different climate zones.

In a matter of hours you can travel from tropical jungle, to high mountain tundra, to fertile pasture lands, to dry deserts complete with cactus. You can alternately be covered in sweat and freeze your hiney off multiple times a day.

Woe #6: Where do I go for vacation?

"Enter and win a round-trip vacation to beautiful Hawaii for two!!" Um... can we make that Alaska or California or something?

So that's my list for now. There's more but really, I am so thankful for where I'm living. Sure there are things that don't match up with everyone's idealized image of Hawaii, but this place and all its quirks has become my home. 

What I really like about living here is that I'm constantly entertained by it. Hawaii is part Hawaiian (obviously), part Asian, part America, part Pacific Islander all tossed together in one little place. I find the blend of cultures fascinating.