(singing) memory oooo~ memory lalalala~ i can't remember the words~

Something happened the other day and I swear it was funny and I wanted to write about it but now I can't remember what it was. Did I mention I think I'm losing my memory? Well I am. I'm developing a few theories about how and why this is happening.

Theory #1
Security Clearance Level: Top Secret 
"If I tell You I Have To Kill You"
Subcategory: Aliens
Date: 6.15.2010

Yes, Aliens. You see I have a special genetic disposition towards being unconsciously intelligent and by that I mean I'm only smart when I'm sleeping. As soon as I wake up in the morning my brain goes back to being it's hum-drum self and I blend in perfectly with the rest of society. The Aliens have been aware of my specialness and have monitored me extensively throughout the years through my dreams. That's why I wake up in the morning and the first words out of my mouth are "I had the craziest dream last night" and it's true as my friends will profess; my dreams are the craziest dreams you'll ever hear.

So Any Way, one night in the middle of June, after there had been much back and forth within the Alien government on whether it was a crime to include the species Homosapien in their legal definition of Animal Testing, they beamed into my room and cut out my hippocampus so they could study it in a secure lab without any obnoxious interference from me. I guess every time I needed to remember things it totally screwed up their testing so they decided that taking my brain's memory center was the only option. My hippocampus would benefit future generations of Aliens everywhere, and they told me I wouldn't miss it that much. 

Of course they said all this by telephathy because that's how Aliens communicate. They evolved out of their mouths long ago. So now I'm hippocampus-less and can't ever remember who I was talking to three hours ago or where I parked my car or what the HUGE green sign on the side of the freeway said or who that actress was in that one movie where she's a high-paid exec and from Canada and is going to be deported so decides to marry her secretary who's a guy from nowhere Alaska only he ends up being really rich and she's like "why do you work for me when you have all this money" and he's like "because I wanted a real job" and she's like "I love you!" and he's like "No". Yup. I can't even remember her name. 

Theory #2
Security Clearance Level: Secret-ish 
"Everyone Convinces Themselves This Isn't True But It Is"
Subcategory: Bugs and Other Disgusting Things
Date: 11.7.2009

My memory has been destroyed by a hotdog. I mean seriously, is that really such a stretch? Hotdogs are the epitome of mystery meat. Even its name is shrouded in mystery. Cave-people in the Ice Age wouldn't go naming their favorite meal after the current weather and their most beloved pet. Frozen Mammoth in a Bun. Yummy. 

Anyway, back in November I ate a hotdog that was shipped to America from a hotdog outsourcing factory in Thailand where they also happen make Macy's jewelry. Hotdogs, like Twinkies and cockroaches will survive world exploding itself with nuclear bombs so a six-week trip across the Pacific Ocean in a cargo ship was no big deal. What no one knew was that because they use the same factory equipment in Thailand for making hotdogs AND jewelry a tiny little piece of fake diamond fell into the vat of steaming, churning, boiling mystery meat and ended up in my hotdog. 

You thought I was going to get some weird virus or parasite from the mystery-meat-Thai-hotdog that would wipe out my memory, right? Nope. It was the fake diamond. I ate the hotdog and that little piece of cubic zirconia. It went through my digestive system like it was supposed to and ended up getting absorbed into my bloodstream like it was not supposed to because that's just how small Macy's fake diamonds are. It then proceeded to get lodged in my brain. Don't ask how. Ask House. He knows. 

So of course this tiny little diamond is cutting off all the blood supply to my hippocampus and my memory ceases to exist. Which is why I can never seem to remember to get a new roll of toilet paper for the bathroom or where I kept my band-aids or where I parked my car or what the third thing was that I was supposed to get from the grocery store or who that actress was in that one movie where she's a bus driver and there's a terrorist guy who decides to kill everyone on the bus and Keanu Reeves does a horrible acting job but they fall in love anyway.

If only it was a real diamond stuck in my brain I could use it as a bargaining chip for the Aliens and buy a replacement hippocampus. They're such suckers for diamonds of any size.

Theory #3
Security Clearance Level: None What So Ever 
"Even The Bums On The Street Know This"
Subcategory: I Ordered The Usual
Date: Error

I woke up. In the hospital of course. Surrounded by people I didn't know who claimed to know me. They told me I had fallen off a ladder at work while hanging fluffy looking curtains and hit my head and had amnesia, the kind where you can't remember anything except how to speak. In the X-rays my hippocampus was looking pretty shot. The doctors said that my only hope for regaining my memory was to float out in the ocean until I was picked up by a fishing boat which would then set off a string of events that would remind me that I actually know kungfu and how to speak twelve different languages and how to break out of a Swiss bank and go on the run from people who I used to work for but were now trying to kill me.

I told them Sounds Great But No Thanks. Now that I have no memories and no capacity for making new ones life is great. Since I can't remember my past I've made it all up. You'd be jealous if I told you about my childhood or about what I did yesterday. It was awesome. The only down side is that I'm prone to forgetting really usual things like doing my laundry or where I put my band-aids or where I parked my car or how to say "nail polish remover" and instead called it "you know... the special sauce..." or who that actress was in that one movie where she's a cop and goes undercover in a beauty pageant. Yup. I can't even remember her name.

PS: A billion points to anyone who can name all SIX movie/tv shows I reference in this blog!