Inarticulate.

There are a lot of things that need to be said, a lot of stories to be told but not enough words to express it. Too many thoughts, too many developments, too many changes, too busy. To explain it all in coherent sentences is impossible. What about in phrases?

long flights
cramped seats
airplane food, lots of it
wandering through airports
too much time to kill
wanting a massage
too poor
so sleepy
it should be night but its day

amsterdam
sunny
so warm
haven't seen the sun for months
walking through the red light district
new shoes killing my feet
can new shoes break my feet for good?
dancers in windows
men watching on the outside
not impressed but watching anyway
police everywhere
on horses
on foot
canals dividing the streets

seeing old friends
talking forever late into the night
but i can't sleep
laying in bed staring at the ceiling
early am flight to vienna and i'm exhausted
flight delayed
vienna is beautiful but i never see it during the day
youth hostel is amazingly clean and nice
i'm impressed
UNITED NATIONS
just thinking about it gives me anxiety
can't sleep
again
that's two nights in a row

the UN
lots of people but no one listens to speeches
i listen
it's all so new
interpreters in little booths up top
diplomats at their own little tables in the center
sitting behind country plaques
we're off to the side, lucky to get seats
Rickie Martin, Ema Thompson
First Lady of Jordan
UNODC, Department of Justice
HUMAN TRAFFICKING A CRIME THAT SHAMES US ALL
in bold letters everywhere I look
Ambassadors, NGO's
Stop the Traffik, Care
(what am i doing here?
i'm not that cool)
little ywamers looking so innocent
but we pack a punch and do our job well

three days later it's over
back on a plane
back to the US
back to my job which i can't remember any more
what was i doing before i left?
too many emails
too many phone calls
so many meetings
so many thoughts

how can i go back to being normal
after something so completely beyond normal
i find myself changed by my experience at the UN
my world is somehow broader
my confidence in myself greater
my scope of understanding problem wider
my role to play... unknown
but something has to change
things cannot stay the same

three days pass and i'm on
mic set up
projector ready
room filled with more than 200 people
how will i start?
what will i say?
will they laugh me out of the room?
will they criticize me behind my back?
an hour and a half later it's over
i go home
i need some encouragement but no one says anything
... was it that bad?

two days pass three hour drive north
am i'm on again
mic set up
no projector this time
the church crowd is so much more forgiving
i hope i don't shock them
i definitely shock them
both services
afterwards i'm swarmed
what, like i'm famous or something?
potluck and i slip out early
pack up
three hour drive south

spend the night in portland with tiff
up at 4 am
on a plane again
three hours on
two hour layover
two hours on

New York City
five girls
this is work
but first we play
so we spend a rainy cold day
on a city tour bus
pay too much for lunch
forget to eat dinner
sunny today but so cold
walk everywhere and freeze
time square and everything that goes along
broadway show tonight
boring, truly boring but something you have to do
and it was cheap so i'm not complaining