There was once a time when I was bold for Christ, when I had undeniable confidence in his sovereignty and authority. God was God. He was a Father, he was a Provider, he was Loving and he knew my name. He had called me from a mundane normal life and set me on a road that was changing and transforming me. I knew that since I was walking hand in hand with him, every step I took, every conversation I had and every person I met had something to do with this grand adventure. I looked at everything through trusting obedience and faith.

That faith and obedience led me to not fear when the future was uncertain, when my bank account was low and when skeptical people questioned me. Things didn't turn out as I had planned, but was did that matter? All plans were in God's hands anyway.

But then I drifted into a deep darkness. I can't tell you how it happened. I don't know. But I still trusted God, I still held on to his faithfulness and I stubbornly refused to let go of my obedience. Sometimes following God is tough, I thought. You have to push through the tough times, cling to what you know is true even though you don't feel it. You have to be disciplined and do everything you can to stay heading the right direction.

But the darkness continued. I've never completely understood that time in my life. I know I've written about it before... I guess there are things I learned that I never want to forget. I learned the value of patience, that sometimes what I think is productively pushing forwards is actually straining against God's intended purposes. When God says "WAIT, just wait where you are," I either don't hear him or pretend not to hear. God would never want me to wait. Waiting is totally non-productive. And anyway, I'm focusing on what I'm doing now and straining to hear what he'd have me do next. Waiting isn't an option.

There are other lessons I learned, good ones about believing God even though my life seems like a complete waste of time. About the need for community and prayer.

I'm just realizing, however, that there are more lessons I need to learn from my dark time. Compared with the person I was before I feel small, my confidence has drained away and I live less boldly. My words are mild, not flaming with faith. I know my weaknesses, I realize my lack of authority. I cringe when people ask me to share about what God has done in my life. Who am I to say anything about anything? Don't make me lead, don't make me speak, don't look at me as an example. I am nothing. I have no right. And what do I know anyway?

My obedience, my boldness, my courage, my faith; drained away piece by piece until I hide in the comfort of not being anything. I am nothing, and that's a safe place to be, and yet I realize I am trapped by fear. I am Afraid. Afraid to be something, afraid of the challenges that I know I'll have to face, afraid to take the authority God has given me, afraid of what and who I might become.

I never used to be afraid. Never.

And on the wind the voice of One who knew me before I was born calls out. "Do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."