I feel like I'm back in high school.

A classmate of mine was really rude to me a few days ago. She's from Vietnam, a good student and kind of quiet in class. Since I sit next to her, we end up being paired for a conversation practices. Needless to say, she knows more Korean than me and I guess that makes her feel like she's better than I am. I can't really explain what all went into it, but at one point she accused me of not trying and not studying at home. Then she demanded that I repeat after her and when I didn't, she commanded me to memorize the dialogue we were working on. I was so mad. Since it was our break and I was about to do something I would later regret, I left the classroom.

As the day progressed, I went through all ranges of emotions regarding that girl. I so angry at her that I never wanted to speak to her again. Then I wanted to somehow make her pay for what she had done. Then I decided to be extra, extra nice to her in hopes that I would infuriate her. But of course in the end, I did nothing.

The next day, I still felt really hurt by the incident. Her comment had brought back memories of another time in my life when I was learning language. I was only six at the time, learning Japanese by attending a Japanese elementary school. Since I couldn't speak Japanese, my classmates (and my teacher, believe it or not) concluded I inferior, less, not good enough. I was left out of games, I was talked down to, I was laughed at, and worse, I believed everything they said about me was true. It wasn't until I was in college that I was able to work through those deep rooted feelings of inadequacy.

Then a few days ago, my classmate tells me I'm not good enough. No wonder I was so mad. I felt all the old issues and feelings swelling in me again-- a whisper in the back of my mind that saying, see, you are inadequate, you are worthless. I knew it all along. I refuse to believe that. I don't care what anyone says or thinks about me. A person's worth is not proven by what they do.

In the end, I feel sorry for the Vietnamese girl. If she judges others by what they do, by how well they perform, then imagine how tough she is on herself. If she fails, it's logical that she applies the same rules she uses to judge others on herself. Her desire for perfection drives her as does her absolute fear of failure. That's a miserable way to live.