Breathe....

I'm a roller coaster. I never know how I'm going to feel, how I'm going to react or if I'm going to have a complete breakdown from one moment to the next. Turns out, today was break down day... multiple times. There was a major freakout session in the middle of all those breakdowns where I probably nearly hyperventilated. Thank goodness for friends who know just what to say and can pray me through. What would I do without them?

I've gotten used to going out in public with a face still damp with tears. I don't care if people see my puffy eyes and notice that my makeup is completely gone. The world is just going to have to deal with my mess for a while... and my mess may last longer than I'd like.

I got news back from the docs but it's still too fresh and painful to write about here. I keep telling myself it could be worse, to focus on the good things, to not think about what I can't do but to think about what I can do.

I can't tell you how hard that mental discipline is. I don't have those muscles yet.

And speaking of not having muscles, I'm watching all of mine disappear. I've never been this non-muscle-y in my entire life. Not that I have a bunch of muscle... it's just all those normal muscles for doing normal tasks... I'm watching those fade away. I'm grieving my old life and it sucks to have to say goodbye to it. I hate it.

And it's okay to hate the bad things of life. It's okay to get really angry about it and yell about how sickness shouldn't exist in our world. We were not made for pain. We were not meant for death.

Stupid sin. It ruined everything.