Panic and Joy

The last few months have passed in both a blur of activity and a curious state of slow motion. Moments have flow by so fast that before I know it the future becomes the past. And at other times, the flow of reality slows to near stopping point and the hours, minutes and seconds crawl by. It's an odd season, one that's been quite devoid of clarity and uncomfortably full of confusion.

Strangely enough, I've also experiences some incredible moments of clarity and joy, like piercing light through shrouds of mist. I've been holding on to those moments, clinging to them like a shipwreck victim floating in the sea with nothing but a little orange life vest. It's not much, but it calms the panic for a bit.

First, it's been a season of financial crisis like I haven't experienced in years. When I'm confused about what's going on in my life, everyone else is confused too. That doesn't do much to spread confidence among my supporters that they're giving to a good cause. So two things happened at the same time. I lost support and I moved to an expensive place usually reserved for tourists.

Hawaii.

Yup. Living the tough life for Jesus. Actually, what most people don't know, is that my part of Hawaii (the Big Island) has a lot in common with the third world. Sure, the electricity doesn't go out and people drive in their own lanes (for the most part) but there's a lot that locals deal with that is a far cry from what you see in the tourist brochures.

For instance, the state doesn't pay their teachers enough to teach a full week so schools only operate 3.5 days a week. That means kids are getting a horrible education. Many adults who were born and raised on the Big Island still struggle to read. No joke. But they're happy people, and very chill and content. I think the rest of the world could learn from them.

There is poverty here, however. The tourists push all the prices up so high that the locals can't afford to buy anything. Luckily though, they can go fish and harvest fruit off the trees for dinner. That's one thing I love about Hawaii. The mango, avocado, passion fruit, papaya and everything else trees. Yum.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Financial crisis. It's been rough. It's forced me to go out and get another job just so I can pay my rent... not to mention buying food and covering the cost of gas to just get to my job. It's been a wild experience reentering the job market after eight years of ministry. There was definitely some culture shock (why are some of my co-workers so mean?). I'm not entirely qualified in the "real" world to do work that pays much more than minimum wage. It's been humbling. I catch myself comparing myself to my poorly educated coworkers and thinking, I have a college education, I have lots of life experience, I could do so much better than this!

And maybe it's true, but that doesn't give me the right to think I'm better than them. 

Working again is helping me appreciate what I've had, how amazing my time in YWAM had been and how thankful I am for everyone who has supported all my ministry ventures. I am so blessed. I've had so much. It's also helped me reevaluate my strengths and gifts. What am I really good at? What brings me alive? What do I get excited about?

I love to teach, I love photography and I love the outdoors. I love helping people discover themselves and I love helping to make the world a better place. I love God and I love my family. I have an amazing group of friends.

So many good things in life. So much to be thankful for.

But in the midst all these thankful things, I still feel lost and uncertain. I fluctuate between the two sides of the spectrum; sad one day about how I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and then the next day being so excited about life and having such a sense of peace and calm that I know things will be just fine.

Jesus promises that when we're weak he will be strong. Thank goodness! He's carrying me through this season. He's helping me be okay. He'll direct my path and show me the way.

I've already started thinking that one of the things I'd like to do is start a school within YWAM that deals with how we respond to justice issues. There's been such a push the last eight years for awareness, and I was a part of that, but now there's a phase two that everyone needs to move into: Now that we know about justice issues like human trafficking, lets really figure out and get equipped to do something about it! Not just responding in theory or in abstract but in reality. I think equipping people with the tools to do that is something I could do.

I'm just in the beginning stages of processing through this idea. I could use prayer about it! I think it has potential and I get excited about it, but I really want to make sure this is a direction God is leading me. It's going to take A LOT of work.