Pressure Cooker

I'm a bit of a mess.... so dang emotional. It's a good thing though, to know you have the capacity for deep feelings. I used to think emotions were a bad thing; I'd cut them off, stuff them down, ignore them completely and become completely out of touch with myself. When my friends ask me "Ro, how are you doing really?" and I'd answer, "Um... I don't know. Give me a sec," and I'd have to take a moment and search down through layers of myself. The top layer of my consciousness is all about where I am. The next layer is where I'm going next. The third layer is how I feel about it.

Which is all good and fine, except I can go for days without introspection. And slowly I'll grow more defensive or grumpy or I'll start to shut down, and I'm not noticing. People around me notice, though, and good friends will eventually ask me about it because they're tired of my snappy comments. Sorry friends! But I have gotten a lot better.

The schedule of my school right now is so beyond my capacity to succeed that it's pushed me to the edge of my ability to cope. Little sleep. Lots and LOTS of work. A never ending To Do list. I'm in post-production for my own short film and pre-production for the next one I'm directing. That's insanity. Never do that, ever, if you can help it. Unfortunately for me I can't help it; the school schedule has been designed around the concept of insanity.

At the moment editing my short movie is the bane of my existence. I am not an editor. I don't have a knack for it. I can feel when the cut or rhythm is wrong but I'm not entirely sure how to change it. I think it's a skill that can be learned (to an extent anyway) but I don't have the time to learn it. And because I don't have the skill, the quality of my short movie is suffering a major blow.

Which makes me feel bad for the actors who really put themselves out there for the movie. And for my crew who worked so hard on it. And for everyone else that was involved. Now sitting alone in a dark room with the computer screen glowing, I'm ruining it. And yes, I'm being a bit dramatic, but that's what happens when you're a bit of a mess. 

I had a revelation the other day. I had been joking around that if I was a "real" director I'd hire an editor; I'd budget for it. But why joke? I slowly realized that I need to use my strengths to manage my weakness, and since my strength is gathering talented people around a common goal, why not use it? Working harder was getting me nowhere. I needed to work smarter.

And it's working. I had a friend come in the other day and do in one hour what would have taken me an entire day to do (not exaggerating). While he was working away, doing what he was good at, I felt like I could breathe again. This is why people work in teams.

In conclusion... well I don't know how to conclude other than to say that I know I'll make it through somehow. Being an emotional mess isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's interesting to see how I respond to this kind of pressure. Will I crack or will I rise up? Will I get snappy, or angry, or passive, or just cry?

No matter what happens, I know I'm learning from this experience, and that's never a bad thing.