"God, if you're real, I need to hear from you."

There are so many reasons I'm thankful right now. 

So many. I don't know where to start.... Maybe I'll start by explaining last year.

2012 was hard. HARD. HARD.  HARD.

I didn't like it. Not one bit. There were good moments in there, of course, but the overall flavor was one of despair. I reached the end of my rope in November, 2011 when I left the Women and Children's Advocacy Centre in Portland. But what do you do when you go beyond the end of your rope? Who knew there was such a thing?

In 2012 I took a break, a sabbatical from missions. I had been working with YWAM for six years straight and needed to take time for myself. It was long overdue. I was burnt out. I was completely out of passion and drive. I was empty and didn't care if I burned a million bridges. I couldn't communicate with people because I had nothing to say. I was a shell. All I wanted to do was bury my head in the sand and have all the evils of the world, all the human trafficking and slavery, all the abuse and manipulation, all the pimps and prostitutes, all the justice initiatives, speaking engagements, and all my well meaning friends to just go away and leave me alone.

Spiritually, I was sick. Diseased. My faith was less than a speck of sand on the seashore. The goodness of God was hidden from me and I was left with all the pain and suffering I had exposed myself to for eight years. My belief in God had drained away and I was becoming an empty, cynical, hardened, sad shell of who I once was.

My spiritual sickness had started creeping up on me years before, back in 2009, but I pushed it away. The more I denied it and ignored it the more it grew.... slowly, slowly. In November, 2011 it overwhelmed me. I couldn't run from it. It was ever-present, like the air I breathed. To deny the existence of my sickness was to live a lie.... and I lived that lie for a while, trying to convince myself I was fine. But it got tiring. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Depressing. I needed to be honest with where I was and who I had become. Running from it wouldn't solve it. I had to engage my disbelief and hope that God would bring me out the other side.

So I stopped living a lie and I let the world know I was sick through my actions and choices. I pulled back from teaching, I stopped writing emails about how good God was because I didn't believe it any more. But I couldn't sit around and do nothing while I tried to figure out how to become healthy again. I did a film school in April 2012 because I knew that despite everything, God was pointing me to gain skills in media (Thank you, everyone, who supported me and prayed for me during that school!).

Film school brought me to an all-time low... not because of the school, but because I had reached the rock-bottom in my spiritual sickness. My downward spiral brought me to contemplate the final question, the ultimate question that would determine the future of my faith:

Was God real. Yes or no.

Everything in me screamed that God was a fraud, that I had been tricked and fed a lie, that the foundation of my life was nothing more than a made-up fairytale. But I didn't want to believe it. I was staring at the dark abyss knowing that life without God was a dark, hopeless place. But if he didn't exist then he didn't exist. No amount of hoping and wishing could change the truth.

But I didn't want God to be a fake. I wanted him to be real. I wanted the truth to be that he did love me and care about me and send his son to die for me on the cross. I wanted to have a Heavenly Father that knew me better than I knew myself, that had a plan for me, a destiny.

But no amount of hoping and wishing can change the truth. As a last desperate act, I prayed a simple prayer. "God if you're real, I need hear from you. My only other choice is to walk off into the dark abyss and come to grips with the fact that you don't exist."

Surprisingly, I heard a distant answer, like the dinging of a far-off bell. It was a hint of something I used to know, responding to me. There were no words, no philosophical discussion, there simply was a response. And it surprised me. I had expected complete emptiness, like talking to a rock or trying to have a conversation with a star. A star or a rock would never respond, no matter how many questions I asked. But God, who I was coming to grips with as a fake, as a non entity... he responded.

And that alighted a tiny glimmer of hope in my heart.What if God was real? What if he existed?

That hope was all I needed. My progress out of deep despair didn't happen overnight. I worked at it. If God was really God, then I wanted to know him again. I changed my lifestyle and re-prioritized things. I decided to go to church every Sunday and spend time seeking God in my personal life. I would choose to hang around friends that built my faith instead of friends who overwhelmed me with cynicism. I would believe the best instead of the worst.

And most importantly, I would believe that God was who he said he was and that I was who he said I was. Belief is a choice. Faith is a choice. But sometimes you need God's help to have the strength to choose to believe and have faith.

God met me in my choices and he strengthened my belief and faith. He slowly rebuilt me and healed my spiritual sickness. He tended to my wounds with care and gentleness. There was no condemnation about how far I had wandered, there was only rejoicing that I had come back. Lots of rejoicing. Months later, when my spiritual ears became more attuned to him I heard him laughing and laughing, rejoicing that I had come home. There was victory in his laughter, too. I had come through a test. I had been victorious and he joined me in that victory. His joy and delight was infectious.

Part of my healing has been staffing this Discipleship Training School which started in January, 2013. I had spent a long time being miserable and self focused and needed to stop navel gazing and invest into the lives of other people. It's been great. It's not over yet. I'm headed off to Thailand for three months, leading a group of eleven students on a mission trip.

Which leads me into all the reasons I'm thankful.

I'm thankful for God, that he's real and exists and loves me and sent his son to die on the cross for me.

So thankful that he laughs and rejoices over me! And that I can laugh with him. He has restored joy to my heart.

Thankful for the DTS, all my students and all my fellow staff who have been part of my recovery program.

I'm so glad that I've learned some valuable lessons about myself over the last few years. I love working with people, I love being invested in people's lives and helping them discover more about who God is and who they are. Students.... I love 'em!

So excited that God is victorious over darkness and that evil will not win, no matter what.

I love what I'm doing right now. I love my friends. I love my family. I love where I live. I love the lessons I've learned.

 I love coming out of hard seasons and realizing God was there all along. He never left me. He never abandoned me.

So that's the journey. That's how it's been. 2012 was so hard but necessary. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me when the going got really, really rough. Thank you for your prayers... they carried me through.

And Thank You Jesus :)