Strange but true.

Recently, I've found myself less inclined to trust God. It's a completely illogical inclination, seeing as though God has done so many amazing things in my life. I'm surrounded by one of these miracles right now.... a free place to live three miles away from the YWAM base where I'm working.

Another recent miracle involves me completely, totally, and utterly running out of money this summer. When things began looking grim, I of course, returned to my parents house to contemplate my impending financial demise. My parents and I worked out a deal. I'd help them move to their new house two miles down the road and they would feed me. Nice. Except I HATE helping my parents move. Some of my worst childhood memories revolve around moving. On numerous occasions I have verbally vowed in front of my parents to never, ever, (except on pains of death) help them move again.

Well, starving brings one pretty close to death....
So I caved in.

And it wasn't as bad as I expected. I guess not having five screaming, demanding, frustrating, unmotivate-able children constantly causing mayhem while you're moving does improve the mood. But this still didn't solve my financial crisis. After two weeks of packing, sweating and U-haul trucks my parents and I packed up again and went to Japan. I was a little panicky by this point. Japan is expensive and I didn't have a yen to take with me.

But I knew God would provide for me. I knew that I hadn't spent my money on silly things and that I had been responsible. And, most importantly, I knew that I was walking in God's will for my life. I looked forward to witness the way God was going to provide.

It didn't come any way I expected. One afternoon, probably a week after I got to Japan, I was sitting in the living room of our Tak cabin spacing out. Suddenly, I remembered that each one of my four brothers owed me $40 for a present we had bought our mom back in June! Forty Dollars Each!! Since Cami wasn't around, that added up to $120. A few days later, while bills were being counted into my hands, I felt the glee of a millionaire. I was rich. I consider this a miracle because miracles come in all forms... even brothers.

That money funded the rest of my time in Japan, plus my trip to Korea. It covered food for the first few days until I could break into my Korean bank account where I had money from a year ago waiting for me.

Which brings me to another miracle. I had assumed I had a certain amount of money in that bank account, a combination of a housing deposit that came back to me and a bit of money donated from a local church. When I was finally able to withdraw money, I discovered that I had twice as much in the account as I thought! Now I really felt rich... although a little confused as to where that money came from (I still have no idea).

God does not always give people extra money just because it's fun. One of my projects while I was in Korea was to sell/get rid of my car. It's a complicated story but in short I discovered I was going to have to pay almost $1000 in fees, overdue charges, taxes and ancient parking tickets in order to sell my car ... for one hundred dollars. I could have abandoned it forever, but I did want to return to Korea some day as a reputable visitor. And as far as I saw it, these were fees I honestly owed and God had already provided the money.

I write all this to remind myself of God's faithfulness... his trustability. I don't know why it is, but I have an easier time trusting God to provide physical things over emotional or spiritual things. I am not physically in need today so, contrary to logic, I find it easier to begin not trusting him. But what I do need is to hear his voice. I need very specific direction and guidance... and I doubt that he can give it to me. I find myself teetering on the outskirts of an ill-defined fear, and that fear is creating subtle distance between him and I. Up until a few days ago, I was blaming God for that distance....

Just having physical faith is not enough. I can't only say, God I'll go to the ends of the earth for you. I also need to say, God I trust my emotional well-being to you--that part of me that is dependent on my circumstances, my community, and my friends, none of which I cannot completely control. I trust your ability to communicate your will to me. I trust that as your dear and beloved child, I can hear and understand your voice. I trust you with all of me.