Relating to my last post, the reason I ask is because I got a rather blunt email from a woman chewing me out for not replying to her faster. My initial response was one of indignation. All sort of thoughts justifying my actions flew through my mind and I grew convinced that she was one of those sorts of people who needed things. I've met her a few times, she's a British missionary in Japan, has two children, is extremely talkative, but I don't know her. That's why when she came along and chewed me out, it put me on the defensive.

Instead of writing her back an emotionally fueled defensive letter, I decided to think about my habit of emailing. I admit, I'm not the most consistent and it doesn't help that I don't have the internet available at my fingertips. But I know there's something deeper going on here. Being a consistent email actually takes emotional effort. When I sit down and write, I want the letter to make sense, to be well put and well thought out. I end up, without meaning to, creating a letter and as with anything you create, a part of you goes along with it. So that may be part of it. I'm a writer at heart, and probably a perfectionistic one at that.

Another part of emailing that I find myself disliking is the fact that it never goes away. It's like a well with tons of people sitting at the bottom waiting to hear from me. As long as I keep the lid on the well and don't look in, I can pretend they don't exist. That only works for so long. There comes a point where I have to look in and then I'm inundated by screams and yells of people I should have responded to long ago. This produces guilt and a sense of hopelessness. How can I ever go back and email all those people? I may reply to a few to alleviate some guilt, but the rest are left to rot unless they decide to email me again.

I realize that a lot of this issue takes place in my mind. People I haven't responded to in a while are not actually screaming at me to reply, I just feel that way. But there is validity to my guilt. I should've emailed them back, whatever my excuses. But time and time again, I don't. So my guilt builds up.

That's the key. Emails, in general, make me feel guilty. It's something that I think I'm never able to do right, so it's a given that I'm going to feel guilty about it. In my mind, then, email is associated with guilt. Everyone hates feeling guilty, so of course I hate email. It's a crazy cycle. Email produces guilt, guilt produces a feeling of disliking email, disliking email produces inaction which produces more guilt, which produces more dislike. Ahhhh!

I didn't know I hated emailing, but now that I say it I realize it's true. I hate emailing. The little emails are just fine: one liners, one paragraph, a quick back and forth, no problem. But the juicier, meatier ones (unless I'm really interested in the topic) I'm not fond of at all.

That's a nice bit of self realization.