I'm in denial. There are about 20 unread emails in my inbox that I'm avoiding. Why in tarnations do I do this to myself?? Seriously, I drive myself crazy.

Part of my issue is that I'm avoiding myself. I don't want to write emails or even blog because I don't want to look deeply into my state of being; I'm afraid of what I'll find. Hence my utter procrastination in contacting any living person that is not within shouting range. I feel so irresponsible.

Come to think of it, this is the same feeling I had all during high school; it's what made me such a terrible student. I hated doing homework so I'd put it off forever. Even when my teachers would hound me I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And when my teachers forgot to hound me I'd disassociate myself from my 10 page research paper and forget that it ever existed. In retrospect, not doing my homework gave me so much guilt that I had to disassociate it from myself, especially if it was something as huge as a 10 page paper. If it gave me so much guilt then why oh why did I not just do it? I don't know. And it made it even worse when people yelled at me or tried to make me shape up by guilt tripping me. I would just retreat even further into my unproductive shell.

I'd like to change, but I have no idea what to do about it and it's a terribly bad issue for someone in ministry.