I think I've become pessimistic in my old age. There are things I should be looking forward to with excitement but instead I find myself a bit more cynical and hopeless than is good for me. And yes, I do happen to be talking about my impending adventures with YWAM.

On one hand, I am really looking forward to it. I can't wait to be in a context with people who are passionate about serving God overseas. After my intense six months of struggling in Seoul it will be nice to learn about God in a semi-formal setting. I think it'll be refreshing; it will blow a cool, cleansing wind through my grumpy soul.

But on the other hand, my cynical nature whispers all sorts of evils in my ear. I will be trapped on a campus full of people like me, restricted to a camp-style schedule full of do-this's and do-that's. I will give away my freedoms. I will hand over five months of my life to whatever YWAM desires. But scariest of all, I will live in close quarters with thirty random people. If we end up getting along, great; but highly unrealistic. What my cynical nature predicts is that all thirty of us will have such different personalities that we end up wanting to strangle each other the first month. After a hundred thousand conflict resolution incidents, we may learn enough about everyone to be able to put up with each other for the next four months. And every moment of those four months I will reflect on my lack of sanity for ever, ever volunteering to join this program.

Heaven forbid this comes true. Needless to say, this is my greatest fear about YWAM. In the past, I used to view myself a bit like Arnold in T-2 when it came to interpersonal issues. I was self sufficient. I didn't need other people and certainly the attitude of people around me was not going to taint my own experience. Oh, how very wrong I have been! I was so convinced that I was a walking machine of emotional self-sufficiency that it took me years to first, realize I was not self sufficient, second, understand that I indeed needed others, and third, that it was okay to be like this. It was nice to finally understand myself, but it has heightened my fear of doing things like YWAM. No longer can I control my experience; it is somewhat dependent on the attitude, personality, character and mindset of the group as a whole. That is a scary thing.

What if they're all psycho? What if they don't get my humor? What if all they care about is hair and nails? What if I can't relate to them on any level? What if some are controlling, some are bi-polar, some are depressed, some are ADD, some are reactionary, some are clingy, some are distant, some are too smart for their own good, some are too nice for their own good, some are passive aggressive...... Mix them all together and mix me in with my own personality and issues and you get a nuclear bomb that will reduce the YWAM base to a large, black crater.

My fears are warranted, really. I have had experiences like this in the past. Not all adventures turn out like what we imagine them to be. But I should not let my past experiences or my present fears fuel pessimism. I should be realistic, yes-- I cannot live my life in a self delusioned state-- but I should be watching, waiting and praying to see what God can do in and through group of completely different people. I should anticipate hardship, but I should be optimistically waiting to see what beautiful things God will bring about. And I'm sure what he has in mind is far greater than what I can imagine.

Even as I write this, I find a glimmer of hope cracking through the pessimism in my heart. I'm not a natural pessimist, but after being let down so many times I find it easier to under-hope than to have my hopes dashed, smashed and trampled on. But now a small thought flutters across my mind saying, Really? Can I truly hope in good things? Can I get excited? Can I be optimistic? Please tell me I can, because I really want too. I'm tired of being cynical.

As long as I hope in God alone and not in the things of this world, I don't think my hopes can truly be dashed. And that's something I can trample my fears with, right?

Ephesians 1:18-19 "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."