I don't even know where to begin. The beginning maybe? But where's that?

The Facts.
I left Thailand two days ago, on March 3rd. My flight left at the most-ungodly hour of 7 am--which meant I had to wake up at 3:45 in order to get to the airport on time. Flying stand-by again, I was forced to wait until the very last moment to know if I was going to make it out. Happily, I was eventually handed a ticket for business class. Four hours later I found myself in Japan and wrote this in my journal:

It seems that no matter where I go, no matter what I see or how I change, I always end up here--like I'm traveling in a big circle that takes me here or there but always back again. I'm in Japan but only for a moment, a breath of time if everything works out well. On to Korea my circle leads me, but I will return one day, someday.

Everything didn't quite workout as well as I hoped. Usually there are two flights to Seoul from Tokyo, but on that day one of them was delayed for an entire day. That meant only one flight was leaving and it was packed full. I was sent away and went through immigration, collecting my checked bags on the other side. I had an unexpected evening in Tokyo.

The Emotions.
It's hard to say exactly how I was feeling. I left Bangkok knowing it was time to move on. I had learned a lot during my stay; I learned how dangerous it is for a ministry to become your idol, I learned how distrust and selfishness can work to ruin a ministry, I learned the history of prostitution in Thailand, I learned how the ministry had begun and their tactics for reaching bar girls, I learned that the success of a ministry is not dependant on those who have a vision but on God who uses the weak to do great things so only he can be glorified for its success.

The ministry, Rahab ministries, was going through a transition and I was around to witness a lot of the bumps. Seeing their hardships, the things they struggle with vicariously aged me like wine. I feel like I grew older but wiser, more driven and self-efficient. My mind grew keener, my vision sharper. I realized above all else that without God--without a deep relationship, a moment by moment clinging to him-- that my selfishness, my pride and my sin would work to destroy and distort the very thing I claim to be doing for Him.

I was left with a lot of time on my hands and in a rather awkward position. I went to Thailand to visit a woman named Patricia Green who, I came to learn, was being rather forcibly removed from her ministry by her mission and the other people involved in the ministry. They had just cause to ask her to leave. She was running herself into the ground and constantly overwhelmed with work. Even though she had a staff of around ten women, she insisted in controlling everything. The natural outcome of that was frustration on everyone's part. And the ministry was beginning to suffer. Everyone could see that it was time for her to leave, except her.

And there I was in the midst of this, visiting Patricia, visiting Rahab. To Patricia I was visiting her and she tried hard to keep me to herself. I was her project, her property. Not wanting more conflict everyone stayed out of my way and avoided trying to offer suggestions about what I should do, how I could help at the ministry. I floated around working on a project Patricia had set me too, while she went on a weeks holiday. I was confused, of course, and wondering why I wasn't being looked after more, why everyone pretended, to a degree, like I wasn't there. After a while, I understood the situation and decided to make my own way. There was no way I could change the tensions that existed but I could remove myself from them. After I finished my project at Rahab, with nothing else to do there and no one telling me how I could help, I wandered away.

I made a friend named Graham, a terrific girl who volunteers at Rahab once a week, and did things with her. We went to the movies, had coffee, I visited her soon-to-be kids English ministry, had a sleep-over. It was great fun. She was like fresh air blowing in a stale room. Things weren't confusing, subtle or gray with Graham. What a relief! What a God-send!

At the end of my stay, when I was leaving, Patricia asked me if I was happy I had come and if I had learned a lot. I was happy I had come and I had learned some very valuable lessons. I couldn't tell her exactly what I had learned without sounding accusing or judgmental, but here's what I learned.

*God works despite us for his glory.

*Sin corrupts ministry.

*Ministry should never be an idol.

*Hold everything lightly and be willing to give back your life's work to God when he asks.

*Never view yourself as somehow more holier than others simply because of God's call in your life.

*Strive to be honest with those your work with and trust them.

*Always be accountable to others; a group of people in a church, a board, a team.

*Never set yourself up as the ultimate power in a ministry--it too easily goes to your head.

*Listen to opinions and criticism of others and reflect to see if they are right.

*Be humble in all things.

More Facts.
After being sent away from the airport, I spent the night at a mission guest house an hour away. The next morning I woke up to almost an inch of snow. Trudging to the train station, snow falling thickly, I prayed that I would not get hit on the head by the large chunks of snow falling off the power lines and that I would make the flight. Five hours later, tucked way in business class, I was on my way again.

I'm back in Korea and it feels weird. It's still winter here, everything looks bleak and the building are thick and bland. I've been gone a lifetime and somehow expected things would look different. But I'm the one who's different.