I didn't know it at the time but when I made my decision to cast my life to the wind and follow God the first thing I did was sign up for God's boot camp. But this is like no other boot camp on I've ever heard of....

Wake up call is when ever you want. You have all day to do what ever you want. You live in a nicely furnished apartment with cable and heated floors. You have a car at your disposal. You are accountable to no one, ever. Your friends with normal lives are so busy they don't think about you most of the time--which doesn't matter because your schedules are so different you couldn't hang out anyway. This all leaves you with a lot of time on your hands. A lot of time.... So much time.... Tons and tons of time.

Sound nice?

There are a few things I forgot to mention. There are a thousand things you want to be doing, things you know you should be doing, things you really wish people would hold you accountable for, things you wish you could accomplish in an eight hour work day, things you wish were able to create a schedule for. But it's all so ambiguous. Progress doesn't seem to exist. One day of hard work evaporates into nothing. There are no weekends, no days off, no free time. Life just continues on and on with nothing to distinguish anything from anything. At the end of a day, week, month all you have is a vague sense that you've been working hard but there is nothing to show for it. Then you doubt yourself. Were you actually working as hard as you thought you were? Should you have been working harder?

Welcome to God's boot camp.

This is like no other crisis I've ever lived through. It's draining, exasperating, frustrating, annoying, unfulfilling, dissatisfying and disillusioning—but these are the very battles I'm learning to fight. God sets me on a task and watches how I handle the situation. I usually do very poorly and flounder for days trying with all my might to beat the thing. I plead with God to help me and tell him I'm too weak. He keeps silent and watches. Days later I'm finally exhausted and out of options. I pick up my Bible, read, pray, fast and memorize chunks of scripture. Task complete. Mission accomplished.

The very next day, another task. I'm a slow learner. Each task is more difficult than the one before but all are hard to pinpoint at first. It grows slowly over the course of a few days, the gnawing discomfort intensifying until insanity looks like a nice escape. I'm also a stubborn learner--just ask my teachers from high school. When I subconsciously realized that I was in God's boot camp, I decided I wasn't going to play God's game. Nope, I'd just sit here until I was discharged....I'd just sit here.... and be completely miserable.... yup, that's what I'd do....I'd hate my life.... I'd see if I could out-stubborn God.... But God has a real interesting way of making life completely miserable. He's a very compelling persuader. Eventually, when life reaches that certain unbearable point, I'd give in and pick up my Bible, read, pray, fast and memorize more chunks of scripture. Another task complete. Mission accomplished..... grudgingly.

The very next day, another task. Now I really, really, really don't want to play. Couldn't a person sit out a round or take an extended time-out? Come on, God! This is ridiculous! I knew what I had to do, but I didn't want to give God the satisfaction of watching me dash off to find the Bible. I'd let him sweat this one out a little... make him wonder if I'd do the right thing this time... give him a little scare.... see if he'd give in....

Boot camp. You don't beat it, it beats you.

I'm a little wiser at this point in time...emphasis on a little. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized I was in boot camp and had been in boot camp for the past three months. I have only just come to realize that I have been subconsciously struggling with God and that he's using some tough issues to induce behavioral changes in me. Maybe now that I know what God is doing, I'll fare a bit better... but then again, maybe not.

I am feeling a lot like Jonah.
And Jonah knew he was running away from God.

Too bad that, like Jonah, I'm so stubborn that I end up trying to fight God instead of changing my comfortable ways. You know, I was the one who asked God to train me, teach me and change me in the first place. Why does it always have to be so hard?