I'm mellow... thinking about my headache, feeling the stress of the day begin to settle on my shoulders. It's cloudy outside and on cloudy days I light candles on my desk and muse about quiet things, the uncertainty of life. When I die what will people say about me? She was a good person, she lived well, she loved people, she honored God with her life. Perhaps. What do I want people to say about me? She lived her life with passionate love for God and for others. She was a woman of fathomless faith who suffered with quiet strength and who lived overflowing with joy. She gave all to the One who bought her life.

That person... I want to be... but the person I am is hindering. My flaws, the stones in my life, the habits, the laziness, the issues. What I want to be seems so unobtainable, so out of reach, but if I give up reaching for it I will never get close. If I wallow in my flaws waiting for them to be worked out of my life on their own I will drowned in them. Where's the balance? I am how I am. If I strive to change and sweat and cry over my inadequacies I miss the fact that God gives me strength to be more than I ever could be. If I wait for God to change me, believing it to be his responsibility to make me more than I am, I forget that indeed I am accountable for myself. God's power to change me. My responsibility to change.

Balance.

I am like a pendulum swinging away. God you must change me, I cannot do it on my own, I cannot do it at all. I am waiting for you.... But God I must change. I'll try to change myself.... my power is not strong enough. God you must change me, I cannot do it on my own.

Being accountable for my actions I must strive to be like clay in his hands. Always willing to be molded, working with him, not resisting. He changes me, I must be changeable not a limp lifeless lump in his hands. God cannot change me unless I am willing to be changed. To be willing... that is my work.