It was my birthday on Saturday and for some reason I feel really moody about it. For the first time in my life my feet have dug in hard against the inevitable draw of time. I want to resist it, to stay my ground, to have it flow around me. But who can fight against time? It's like trying live without breathing. Time is a defining characteristic of the human condition.

Somewhere on the subconscious level I have said enough to time. I am old enough now, there's no need for you to continue carrying me downstream. Of course time doesn't listen. To be born, means being subject to the premise of life. Birth means life, life means death. We all have this one thing in common.

***

I am now who I will be.
I have become who I am.

My whole growing up life I was waiting to be who I was going to become. Every year was characterized by incredible developmental change as I grew toward that end. I was immature and irresponsible but I had hope that I would grow out of it. My feet were too big compared to the rest of me but I trusted I would grow into them. Then one day, long after my physical and psychological self had stopped growing I realize I am who I am going to be. I was no longer growing into myself, I was myself.

Birthdays don't mean what they used to. Unlike my childhood, I feel the same each year. I have not naturally grown in anything other than what I have set my mind to learn. Growth used to be natural but now it is a choice. If I sat around and pursued nothing for a year I would gain nothing.

I am now who I will be
I have become who I am
If I don't like who I am now
Time will not improve me
I must choose to progress